I had to be a technical support for one of my passengers applying for an Electronic Visa to Australia online the other day. I’ve no idea how he reached his age and not know anything about a website, in fact he doesn’t even know what a website address is. Seriously.
Mi: Here’s the website that you should visit, www.immi.gov.au. On the left side, you will see a button which says APPLY FOR ETA. Click on that.
PAX: I can’t see it.
MI: it’s on the left side.
PAX: I can’t see it, why are you seeing a different thing on your computer?
MI: are you on the website that I’ve given you?
PAX: which website?
PAX: yeah, i searched it on google.
MI: you’re not supposed to search it on google. You need to type it on the website bar. You know that bar on the top of your screen where websites are usually located?
PAX: where can I find it?
MI: at the top of the screen, it usually starts with http
PAX: I can’t see it.
MI: ok, just look at the top of your screen. What do you see?
PAX: A lot of buttons.
MI: can you see google.com anywhere?
PAX: ahhhhhhhh yes! I see it.
MI: ok, click on that and type http://www.
PAX: wait wait wait…. slow down…
MI: ok, i will spell it out for you
MI: hotel tango tango papa and then colon slash slash ……… then hit ENTER
PAX: i got an error
MI: ok. by any chance, did you type the words that I just gave you?
MI: (holy mother of what the crap????) OK, you’re supposed to just type the first letters of the words I gave you.
PAX: ah ok.
MI: so type, H for hotel tango tango papa and then colon slash slash
PAX: right, i think I got it. ah no…. I got an error again
MI: can you read the things that you just typed for me?
PAX: it’s httpc//
MI: OK! I meant colon like the real colon, you know the 2 dots one on top of the other? You’re not supposed to type the letter C. Alright, anyway… can you just give me your email address and I will send you the link of the website? It will be easier for you and for me.
PAX: sure email address is [insert email address of this dummy here]
MI: right, I sent it to you. You should receive it any moment now.
PAX: i got it, now what do i do with this?
MI: just click on it, it should direct you to the website
PAX: oh cool! I’m already on the website, now what do I do.
MI: you want to apply for a visa right? there is a button called APPLY FOR ETA VISA on the left side of the screen, click on it and then do whatever the website tells you to do. It will ask you to fill in your passport details. So you have to get your passport ready.
[after 30 minutes]
PAX: it keeps bringing me back to the first screen
MI: then it means you’re doing something wrong or you’re not putting something which is required
PAX: it’s too complicated!
MI: no, you’re just too stupid I can’t believe someone like you exist in this world!!!!
[of course, I didn’t say that but I think I mumbled it]
MI: ok, give me your passport details and I’ll do it on my end (we’re really not supposed to do any of this because 1. we don’t have website access, it’s only me who is lucky enough to have a broader internet access and 2. it’s not part of our job to process visas)
[after a mere 10 minutes]
MI: ok, I need your credit card details.
PAX: debit card is ok?
MI: no, credit card only
PAX: I don’t have a credit card
MI: well ok, at this point you would need to provide me someone’s credit card details or the visa processing will not go thru.
PAX: I’ll call my friend and ask for the details. I’ll call you back.
[after 10 minutes]
PAX: ok, here’s the credit card.
MI: great! I will send you a screen shot of your visa thru email
MI: you will receive it any moment now
PAX: Ok, I just got the email…. but it only says your visa is under process and your credit card has been charged.
MI: from which email address is the email that you’re looking at right now?
PAX: from the immi.gov.au
MI: I thought so, well I said I will send you your visa FROM MY EMAIL ADDRESS!!!!! so go back to your mailbox and search for an email which came from my email address!!!!!!!!
PAX: right, right, right…. yup! I got it! now, what do I do with this?
MI: print it out and shove it up your ass!
[of course, I didn’t say those last words…]
MI: just print it out and if someone asks you for it, show it to them.
PAX: Great! thanks a lot!
The passenger above is the same passenger who when asked for his nationality he replied:
[insert a FIRST WORLD country here], IMPRESSIVE HUH?
…. the IMPRESSIVE HUH? part is really part of his reply to me.
The passenger above is also the same passenger who when I’ve advised him to check with the consulate if he needs a visa or not going to Australia he replied:
I DON’T THINK I NEED IT, I’M AN [insert a first world nationality here]!
……………. and they say I came from a THIRD WORLD country.