Random Musings

The aftermath (always how i feel after…..)

September 10, 2008

Random Musings again:1. i made a really really really long blog earlier about the dreamguy. i have spilled out every single thing that i feel towards him on that blog, but as soon as i clicked on the “publish” button, wordpress suddenly told me that they are experiencing some shitty problem on their site and they cannot do my request just yet. so i hit on the back button only to find an empty page for a new post. i checked on the site and crossed my fingers so damn hard to see if wordpress may have given me a false alarm and that my blog was actually posted. but much to my dismay, (like luck has ever been on my side) it wasn’t. so i just can’t create another blog of entirely the same thing after spilling out everything from the previous one. so i guess, fate just doesn’t want me to do the stupidiest thing to do, confessing and letting the guy know how he bothers me the BIGGEST time (pun intended).

2. after vehemently denying that i am all fine and dandy about the situation that i have with him, it’s not entirely true. am lying, a BIG LIAR. am not at all ok with the terms that i have (or don’t have) with him. am sooooo f*cking stupid for even getting myself into such a mess.

3. lots of people have come and gone, but never really minded them at all ‘coz i was too busy chasing a butterfly who doesn’t want to be chased. either ways, i chase some more ‘coz am just so stupid. and i love it!

4. am happy but deep down to the very core of me, i am a third degree burn and someone’s pouring an alcohol on me making the burn hurt like hell. guess who’s pouring the alcohol???? me. it’s all me. i can’t help it, am a massochistic son of a b*tch.

5. well, contrary to everything that i’ve just said – am still a dreamer. an ignorant little kid who still thinks that luck will be on my side one way or another. someday….

6. but luck may most likely not include “him”, the very reason who makes me happy and sad at the same time.

7. he’s on a mission and his mission doesn’t include me. so what the hell am i still doing holding on to a dream which may never be a reality? apparently, i have accepted that fate. the fate that will always put me from afar – wishing, hoping, thinking, wondering, dreaming – and that’s all am gonna be doing for the rest of my life. haha! no f*cking way!

8. am planning to take a step back. first step will be on — welll…… euhmmmm….. seriously hoping that it will take effect now but … well, i don’t know. at least am planning to step back right? better something than nothing.

9. better something than nothing. hmmm…. that’s my motto when am with him. haha! am such a fool.

10. what to do???? (head shaking from side to side)

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