I’ve mentioned on my previous blogs that I’ve been very stressed at work lately. For some, this may only be a figure of speech to describe that they’re busy at work. It’s not really the case for me though as I’ve had some serious symptoms of stress. Take what happened to me last week for example, I received an email from someone which clearly shows that my previous email was not thoroughly read – as soon as I’ve read the reply from the recipient which doesn’t really make sense I suddenly had a sharp pain on my nape, my heart started palpitating, my jaw clenched and I had difficulty in breathing. Only because of one stupid email. I decided then to take it slow and not let that one email kill me.
I’ve since taken it slow – I always went home on time, I spent time with friends, I started attending blogging events once again which I have been dodging since we’ve become busy at work and I started exercising again. At night, I’d drink a glass of milk and light up a scented candle as I realized that those things had some soothing effects on me. HOWEVER, that’s a big however there, the more I focus on not being stressed anymore the more I realize that all these may actually not be because of the load of work that we have – it’s probably the job itself.
Recently, we’ve had so much pressure from the management and we’ve been reminded constantly that we have to do our best all the time as one mistake may cause us our job. They probably think that it’ll work somehow as motivation for their employees – I mean who wants to be jobless at this time? But for me, I see it simply as a threat. To tell you very frankly, I don’t really respond to threats very well. I started to replay what happened when I first started getting stressed and it seems to me like it all started when I first heard that threat. I mean, I was totally fine before that. I was doing an overtime shift happily and willingly but after I’ve received that threat – I just stopped it altogether because I don’t see the point anymore of doing a good job. I don’t think I’m being stubborn, I think I’m just being reasonable.
Threatening me of my job is kind of like reminding me of how dispensable I am for my company. What is the point then of trying to do well in my job if everything will be forgotten anyway with just one mistake? Well I tell you what, I’m bound to commit that one mistake because I am human after all so if I will be told that I’d lose my job if I commit any mistake then it’s like giving me a dead end. So what’s the point of toiling away if your hardwork will be ignored anyway in the end? Basically, I think I’ve been demoralized and it has been instilled in my mind already that I’d lose my job no matter what. PERIOD.
Am I afraid of losing my job? Not really, why? Because I know that I’m good at what I do and I know what I’m capable of. I know that there are a lot of opportunities for me out there if I’d like to work in the same industry. Another option for me is to focus on this blog, monetize it finally. I know it’s not going to be enough money that I will earn from the blog as compared to what I’m earning now. But at this point in time, what really matters for me is not only the money – what matter is that I love what I’m doing which is the most important thing, really. Thinking about all of it now made me realize that my day job is probably the only thing stopping me from monetizing the blog. I used to love my day job and I used to not care if it’s stopping me from making my blog work for me but now, I might have already had a change of heart. Maybe, maybe not.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love the company I’m working for. I think it’s great, it’s fantastic and I will always be proud for being a part of this company. It is ok though to love your company without having to love the management. Yes? I still have those rare days that I look forward to go to work as there really is nothing I love more than helping other people create their dream holiday. I am passionate about it specially if I am trying to sell a package for the places that I’ve already been. Those rare times though can be counted with only the fingers in one hand, the times that I’m dragging myself out of bed is far more than the times when I’m excited to go to work. I feel sad about it, really. But can someone really blame me for feeling this way?