Expat Life in Dubai

last thing on my mind

July 15, 2008

Thud Thud Thud Thud

That was the sound of my own heart beating. So loud that I can practically hear it.

Thud Thud Thud Thud

Like it’s going to come out of my rib cage anytime soon. The thudding started when I received the message. When I first read it, I was hoping that my eyes were playing tricks on me. That the words written there were just a product of my imagination. That someone will nudge me to bring me back to reality. That I will receive another message and tell me that the first message was not meant for me or that it was only a prank. I’ve read the message over and over and over again, praying that somehow I have missed a word which altogether altered the message of the text.

But nothing. The message was exactly what it was. Nobody nudged me, there was no follow up message to tell me that it was a message wrongly sent to me nor a message to tell me that it was all a prank. And no, my eyes were not playing tricks on me…. It’s me who’s playing tricks on my mind. This is reality and reality jolted me once again as I am not yet ready to face it. Not now, not today – when am finally having a good feeling. When for the first time, I feel relaxed/contentment – I finally felt like I am ok. More than ok, I was happy. Until this…. Funny how a simple message can totally affect me in a 360-degree-turn kind of thing. I wasn’t ready, it was the last thing on my mind. I wasn’t geared to face this sort of change. I was, yet again, caught off guard. I really am not very good with this, don’t have the least idea how to deal with life. It comes with too many surprises which for most of the time is too much for me, I can’t handle it.

I was hurt. Deeply… I thought I  could somehow prolong the happy state that I was in, but I should have known better. I am not destined to have everything in place, at least not yet.

I called up the one person I know who would give up anything to take me out of the misery that I am always in – Alex. Upon hearing his voice, I did the one thing that I have only done twice (including now) since I’ve arrived here in Dubai – I cried……

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