For the past few several days, I learned how strong the words death, dead and died for me. I can’t seem to describe my father’s passing as those words, I cringe everytime just by thinking of composing a sentence with those words. It made me realize how unprepared I am to face such a dilemma in life that I can’t even say those words aloud. In my head, saying that my father died or that my father is dead makes it permanent and forgotten. Like he’s just one of the people I read in the news who died and I’ll just go on reading another more important news. Those words somehow make the whole ordeal inhumane and disrespectful to my father. Ironic how words can play such powerful tricks in my mind because death, in itself, is probably the most human thing to occur in one’s life.
The past few days as well since I came back in Dubai, life has been normal for me. It took me by surprise that I am able to get back to my normal routine. I was busy dealing with a lot of my resignation formalities with my company. I have also been meeting a lot of friends who wanted to say goodbye before I leave the country for good and also to check up on me if I’m doing fine. Being extremely busy made it a lot easier for me to cope with the loss but as soon as I find myself alone, the sadness takes over. I was operating with an on and off switch mode, ON for the times that I’m with someone and OFF as soon as I’m by myself. Once, I even found myself crying as I’m in the metro on my way home. I didn’t even know I was crying until the lady standing beside me reached over and gave me a tissue (thank you, whoever you are).
I sometimes feel guilty for getting on with things normally so quickly. I think to myself, how can I even be out with friends laughing with them when I’ve just lost a father? But then I realized, my father would’ve wanted me to keep living my life normally. He wouldn’t want for me to be crippled by this event. He would understand that his memory will forever be etched in my heart and that I will never forget him.
I think dealing with death may come in varied forms and stages for each individual but the most important thing is to have the support of your family and friends for you to know that you’re not going through it alone. I let myself cry when I’m by myself, I don’t stop it. It makes me release the sadness that I feel inside. I’m not sure how long this will go on but I’m not so worried about that. I’d be normal during the day because as they say, life will go on and I believe my father would’ve wanted me to live it to the fullest.